“Autumn is the hardest season
The leaves are all falling
And they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground
And the trees are naked and lonely
I keep trying to tell them
New leaves will come around in the spring
But you can’t tell trees those things
They’re like me they just stand there
And don’t listen”
I found an old Journal entry from 2003 saved on another Blog I had back then. I had written down the epitaphs from a couple of the Headstones I found in that cemetery in South Carolina. This was a really old cemetery with weeping willows bordering it as I recall. I know one of the Grave markers was from 1778. But the things that stuck with me most was what was written in the stone on a couple of the markers:
“Time is and soon shall
Be no more
So teach us to number
Our days that we may
Apply our hearts
“Her character was so strongly cast;
And her impulses were
So generous that she was
An object of indifference
To no one.
The poor and the afflicted
Were special objects
Of her consideration.
By these her loss is truly felt
And by us who knew her best
Is she most Lamented.”
Standing at the kitchen sink by the window and drinking a glass of water I saw a sparrow walking on the neighbors roof next door.
I wondered what was the sparrow up to?
And then I had to think, will I always stop and notice a sparrow on spindly legs walking on a hot roof in July?
Will I always make sense of it?
Having taken care of my Dad all those years and seeing his grasp on reality shift with each step of the Parkinson’s dance makes me wonder all the more.
I hope that I will always notice a tiny bird doing nothing more than standing on a neighbor’s roof.
I hope that it will always appear to be what it is and nothing more.
I saw the first Gold Finches in the garden this morning. There were a pair of them and they were busy with the sunflowers. I tried to quietly back my way into the house without disturbing them but the resident Sparrow chased them off. It was nice to see them anyway.
Each day I am aware of how far I have come mentally. On this side of things it is actually quite scary. Because I know what it was like to spend years on the other side. And I know how hard it has been to move myself back to where I need to be.
I have lost people I cared about because they were on the dark side, and then pulled their-selves up only to have something else knock them down. And it was that last kick in the gut that made them choose to leave the world.
I have always been a person whom never appeared to be overly excited, but then also never the type to become overly unhappy. I always sought the middle ground.
I am back to clawing my way to the middle ground.
I like waking up in the morning and seeing the birds.
I want to go places. Again. It has been so long since I have wanted that.
A lot of things transpired these past how many years to knock me off my course. And through it all I never wavered from trying to be the person everyone thought I should be.
Working and paying the bills. Keeping things going. Keeping my head above the water.
And today I saw the Gold Finches. And we visited a farmers market. And I feel like doing things. Going places. Planning for the future.
I guess no one ever said, really, that life would always be easy or always make sense. And the human mind well, she is an interesting being.
I awoke early yesterday morning and heard a group of birds signing outside the bedroom window. I couldn’t recall when I last heard the birds singing their tune. I know they have always been there, every spring especially. I can’t say for sure why I hadn’t noticed them in such a while. I can say that I am feeling closer to the me I used to be. It’s been a long ride and I am finally, surprisingly, not unscathed of course, seeing the other side.
And I can hear the birds sing in the morning again.
And it’s annoying when trying to catch those last few minutes of sleep.
And it’s wonderful all at the same time.