I saw the first Gold Finches in the garden this morning. There were a pair of them and they were busy with the sunflowers. I tried to quietly back my way into the house without disturbing them but the resident Sparrow chased them off. It was nice to see them anyway.
Each day I am aware of how far I have come mentally. On this side of things it is actually quite scary. Because I know what it was like to spend years on the other side. And I know how hard it has been to move myself back to where I need to be.
I have lost people I cared about because they were on the dark side, and then pulled their-selves up only to have something else knock them down. And it was that last kick in the gut that made them choose to leave the world.
I have always been a person whom never appeared to be overly excited, but then also never the type to become overly unhappy. I always sought the middle ground.
I am back to clawing my way to the middle ground.
I like waking up in the morning and seeing the birds.
I want to go places. Again. It has been so long since I have wanted that.
A lot of things transpired these past how many years to knock me off my course. And through it all I never wavered from trying to be the person everyone thought I should be.
Working and paying the bills. Keeping things going. Keeping my head above the water.
And today I saw the Gold Finches. And we visited a farmers market. And I feel like doing things. Going places. Planning for the future.
I guess no one ever said, really, that life would always be easy or always make sense. And the human mind well, she is an interesting being.
2 thoughts on “Sunday that’s all folks”
Very deep. Thanks for sharing this. Sounds like you’ve been through hell. You’re a survivor!
I think if we live long enough life is going to throw us a few curves and knock us off the course we were so very happy to be on. The important thing is to fight our way back and to take care of ourselves, right? And we have to accept that there will always be things or people whose behavior etc. just does not square with our vision of reality – they just don’t make sense. And you, take care of yourself okay?