I saw the first Gold Finches in the garden this morning. There were a pair of them and they were busy with the sunflowers. I tried to quietly back my way into the house without disturbing them but the resident Sparrow chased them off. It was nice to see them anyway.
Each day I am aware of how far I have come mentally. On this side of things it is actually quite scary. Because I know what it was like to spend years on the other side. And I know how hard it has been to move myself back to where I need to be.
I have lost people I cared about because they were on the dark side, and then pulled their-selves up only to have something else knock them down. And it was that last kick in the gut that made them choose to leave the world.
I have always been a person whom never appeared to be overly excited, but then also never the type to become overly unhappy. I always sought the middle ground.
I am back to clawing my way to the middle ground.
I like waking up in the morning and seeing the birds.
I want to go places. Again. It has been so long since I have wanted that.
A lot of things transpired these past how many years to knock me off my course. And through it all I never wavered from trying to be the person everyone thought I should be.
Working and paying the bills. Keeping things going. Keeping my head above the water.
And today I saw the Gold Finches. And we visited a farmers market. And I feel like doing things. Going places. Planning for the future.
I guess no one ever said, really, that life would always be easy or always make sense. And the human mind well, she is an interesting being.