I thought about this a lot.

I believe because it is almost the anniversary of her passing – each year instead of getting easier it gets a bit harder. Seems counter intuitive but true.

I think because of these past years which I have spent in a holding pattern – focused on taking care of my Dad and managing all that.

I am not the person I was. I see things differently. I have slowed down a bit.

After I returned from my over night trip to Asheville I realized I should have taken her with me. She would have loved the experience. And she would have made sure I knew that she loved it. Everything – the drive, the mountains- the show – the hotel – all of it would have lit her up with that smile she had.

Next time I go on a trip alone like that I will take her with me. Her ashes. She deserves so much more than that – but that is all I have to offer.

It’s crazy – you can become an adult and still never see the consequences.

But oh life will make you feel those consequences.

“ But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

 

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